T.G.I.F.S.ff.F.

Oooooooops!!!!

It seems like the author decided to pull all her stories... We will try to contact her for you if you like.

Will be back again next week with a new suggestion for you!!!

SORRRYYYYYY!!!!

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! It’s that time of the week again ;)

How did you like the last fic?

Here is this week’s rec: Unexpected by Ooohlalaa

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4958898/1/Unexpected

Here is her description:

In their junior year of college, an unexpected event forces Bella, Rosalie, and Alice to become involved with three people they never normally would have, completely changing their lives around. Fluff/Humor B&E/Canon Couples AH, OOC


My description:

This Edward is grrrrreat! He is quirky. He is ADHD and possibly OCD. He makes me laugh hard. And…..he has a pierced peen. Hahahaha!
So, the girls find out some unexpected news and they have to go to “Emmett’s” house which results in them all meeting Em, Ed, and Jas. All I can say is it is hilarious after this. I mean freaking funny!! LOL

♦♦♦♦♦ Ok, before we go on I need to let off some steam. Ooohlalaa if you are reading this, I apologize for this, but I have to get it off my chest. You know I still love you otherwise I wouldn’t have rec’d this fic your second fic I have rec’d, btw
So, our dear Oooh finished a fic this week called Discommode. It was heartfail in the worst kind of way. I am talking freaking tragedy heartfail—and yes, if I had paid attention, it is listed as a tragedy, but I don’t usually look at those little tags. So, yeah, don’t read that fic guys unless you want to have a really bad day. Anyway, back to the rec, and ILY Oooh, and I will end up forgiving you eventually. ;) ♦♦♦♦♦


This week’s teaser:
*sorry it is so long, but I couldn’t stop it in the middle…it’s too freaking funny*

OK, to set it up:
Rosalie is pregnant with Emmett’s baby after a 1-night hook-up. They all decide to go to parenting classes together. Edward is enjoying this way too much, lol. (Jake is a tiny Chihuahua that was given to Emmett to help him learn to take care of something, but Edward has totally adopted the thing and dresses it up and stuff).

“Okay. First we’re going to start by going around the room and introducing ourselves. Tell us what you do, how far along you are, what your situation is, why you’re taking this class, for example. Umm, why don’t you start?”
The instructor pointed across the room at some young couple that was clearly stable, unlike the four of us. I could see Rosalie’s embarrassment building up as each couple went and explained their dreadfully normal situations. All new parents, all married or engaged, all excited and happy. Rosalie was none of those except a new parent.
“When do we get the babies?” Edward whispered in my ear. We’d been there for like 10 minutes and his ADD was already coming out in full effect. I had no doubts anymore that he had it.
I waited impatiently for it to be Rosalie & Emmett’s turned because I knew it would be epic. I stared, amused, as the couple before them finished and Rosalie sighed.
“Umm, hi, I’m Rosalie Hale. I’m 21 and in college. Um… I’m 11 weeks along. This is the father, Emmett. Also 21 and in college. We’re not together. At all. The baby is a result of a one night stand. Emmett and his brother Edward over here are adopted, so we decided to either keep it or give it up for adoption. Still not sure. And I’m taking the class because I know nothing whatsoever about babies and I’m afraid that if I keep it, I may hurt it.”
I held my hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh. Everyone in the class looked at me and Edward kind of shoved me and gave me a look.
“Nice to meet you, Rosalie. Interesting situation. I think you‘ll feel much more comfortable when we‘re done… and last but not least?”
The lady pointed at me and Edward. Instead of letting me talk, Edward took the mic.
“I’m Edward. I’m the uncle… Emmett’s my brother. This is Bella… we’re also both 21 & in college and we’re not having a baby. Not yet at least.” I snorted. “She’s Rose’s best friend and they live together and she’s lacking in empathy and baby knowledge. That’s why we’re here.”
The instructor stared at Edward expressionlessly and nodded.
“Um… great. Glad you two are here.”
The first hour of the class was a lecture on labor & delivery. She said we’d go more into detail through the weeks, but for now she was just doing a quick overview. We watched a short birthing video, which was a great experience. I had to keep my eyes shut most of the time, Edward laughed and asked if they served popcorn and made more than one comment about the woman on the video needing to get waxed, and Emmett repeatedly gagged. I also saw Rosalie write down “ask about c-section” in her notes. We got stared at. A lot.
After the video, the woman started distributing the fake babies. Ours was a boy and Rosalie requested a girl. Edward paid zero attention as the woman explained what to do, too occupied with putting his glasses on the baby and trying to make it hold his pen in its hand. I saw massive failure and social services in the near future if Rosalie was to leave her real baby alone with him.
“Whoa, look, it blinks. That’s trippy.” Edward was holding the baby straight out in front of him as we walked to the car.
“I have a night class to go to,” Rosalie said, ignoring Edward and handing Emmett the baby. “Can you take it for now? I’ll pick it up as soon as I’m done.”
“Uh… sure?” Emmett said, grabbing the baby like it was a football, the head upside down. The thing immediately started crying.
“Emmett! You can’t hold it like that.” Rosalie started flipping through the instruction manual to see what to do.
“Just hold it upright and bounce it around a little bit. Haven’t you ever seen someone with a baby before?” Edward looked at the three of us like we were the freaks covered in tattoos and crotch piercings.
Emmett did what he said and eventually the crying died down.
“Bella, maybe you should stay with them,” Rosalie suggested as she got into her BMW. Spend more time with Edward? My arm needed no twisting.
“Okay.” He handed me the baby and I hopped into the back of his Volvo with it on my lap. We didn’t go over ‘carseat safety’ until next week, so for now we had to just hold the babies in the car. Whatever. I laughed as Emmett struggled to put his seatbelt on and hold the baby so it wouldn’t cry. He was screwed. So screwed.
“We should name the baby,” Edward said to me as he drove.
“Sure. What do you want to name it?”
“I can pick?” He asked.
“Yeah, I don’t really care.”
“Okay. Edward Jr.”
Emmett laughed.
“Very creative,” I said, shaking my head. “I expected more from you. Like… Spike or something.”
“You said I could pick.”
“I know.”
“So I pick Edward Jr.”
I gave up trying to reason.
When we got to their house, Emmett passed the baby off to Jasper and laid down on the couch. Edward ran around the house looking for the dog, finally finding him asleep under a pile of clothes in the bathroom. The poor little rodent just sat there half asleep as Edward tugged and yanked at it’s legs trying to put the stupid zebra hoody on it.
“Let’s take Jake for a walk so he doesn’t shit in Jasper’s shoes again.”
I laughed and agreed, taking the leash from him. I shivered as we walked out the door, and I frowned at Edward.
“Maybe you should put on a jacket. It’s windy out.”
“I’m good. I have my hat.”
He pointed at a black beanie on his head, which was going to do absolutely nothing. I was slowly learning it was better to shut up then to try and argue with him, because he was lacking lots of common sense. But he did look hot. That was a plus.
Edward led me to the back of the condo, where there was a walkway along the river. The stupid dog kept stopping every two seconds to sniff at rocks or leaves or other dog poop or something, and I started to get annoyed so I just dragged it behind us.
“You have to be more patient. It’s just an animal, it’s curious. It’s in his nature to be outdoors.” I glared at Edward and handed him the leash, swiping the baby out of his arms.
“Yeah, maybe in Mexico. It’s freezing out here. He just wants to poop and go back inside.”
“He’s not cold. He’s wearing a sweatshirt.”
I rolled my eyes and tried to avoid the passing glances from people staring at me and my blinking robot baby. I could only imagine what people thought. Me walking around with a plastic baby and some dude wearing a t-shirt in November, covered in tattoos and walking a teacup Chihuahua that's wearing a hoody. My life was beyond bizarre.
“Edward, people are looking at this thing. I don’t want to be in public with it.”
“First off, that thing’s name is Edward Jr. And why do you care what other people think? I’m a grown man walking a two pound Chihuahua and you don’t see me getting all embarrassed.”
I was about to come back with a witty insult when all of a sudden the baby started vibrating.
“Holy shit. Edward, what do I do! It’s shaking!”
“Huh. That’s weird. They get cold?”
“I guess so! It’s freaking me out. Take it-” I shoved the baby into his arms and patted it’s back because I remembered the lady saying something about that calming it down. Edward’s eyes were bugging out of his head as he tried to control Jake, who was growling at a German Shepard, and tried not to drop the pulsating baby.
“This makes sense I guess,” he said shoving the dog leash into my chest. “Control the fucking dog!”
“Wow what happened to take things in stride-”
“Our baby is having a seizure! I guess we shouldn’t have brought it out in a t-shirt?”
At this point, I just started hysterically laughing. Edward had opened up the back panel on the baby and was pushing buttons, but the thing was still quivering.
“Edward,” I choked out between my laughs. “We just need to warm it up. Let’s just go back.”
“What if it dies before then?”
“Um… we buy it an Edward Jr. headstone?” He shot me an evil look and shook his head. “Okay, that was cruel. But um, it’s a robot baby. It won’t die.”
“Alright, I have an idea.” He stuck the baby underneath his shirt and popped it’s head out of the collar. I stopped walking and stared at him in disbelief. “So it can breathe, you know?”
“It’s a fucking ROBOT.”
“No it’s not, it’s Edward Jr. and he breathes.”
Holy insanity. I was done. We walked back to the condo to discover that Jasper had left the baby on the sofa, while it wailed away. His car wasn’t outside. Emmett had tactically thrown a blanket over it and he was asleep on the opposite sofa.
I didn’t even bother taking the annoying little squirrel’s leash off, I just dropped it and let him run around the house.
“Move over, Emmett.”
Edward Jr’s seizure ended, but he started crying at the sound of the other one crying, and Edward just sat there on the couch in a panic trying to shut them both up. I stuck a throw pillow over my head and closed my eyes, because I needed a long nap after that whole ordeal.
I woke up to someone shaking me.
“Bella, get up. Where are the babies?”
I groaned and sat up before shrugging at Rosalie. Emmett was still asleep next to me and Edward wasn’t in the room.
“They’re probably with Edward. He thinks this whole thing is fun.”
I led her to the back porch, where Edward had classical music blaring from his room upstairs and was painting. The two babies were wrapped up in blankets, Edward Jr. wearing big Edward’s beanie, sitting in a patio chair.
“You’re the most peculiar person I’ve ever met,” Rosalie said, shaking her head and laughing as she picked up her baby. She took off the blanket to inspect it and make sure Edward didn’t light it on fire or something, and I heard her gasp.
“What?”
“Edward. Did you PIERCE my baby’s ears?!”
Edward dropped his paintbrush and chuckled.
“Yeah. They’re Emmett’s earrings. She’s so much cooler now.”
I was dying. This motherfucker was seriously out of his mind. Rosalie pushed me and shoved the baby into my arms.
“They’re gonna make us pay for messing it up!”
“It’s not that serious. Just look at her. She looks cute.” Edward smirked as I turned the baby towards me.
“She does look cute,” I said.
“Really, I only did it because I couldn’t tell the two of them apart. After I did the piercings I figured out another solution.”
“What? Did you ever think to change their clothes?!” Rosalie shouted.
Edward tapped his finger to his chin and hmmmed.
“Yeah I could’ve. Well, anyway, what I thought of was better. You’ll see, Bella. I’m still gonna do it. Can I keep him overnight?”
I waved my arm at him and started toward the stairs.
“Sure, Edward. I don’t even want to know. Keep it as long as you want.” It’d been four hours and I was already babied out.
“Aren’t you going to say goodnight to Edward Jr.?”
I ignored him.
“Edward Jr?” Rosalie asked, shaking her head. I just shrugged.
I waved goodbye and Rosalie made sure to sneer and growl at Edward one last time to show her displeasure at him tainting her baby as we descended down the stairs.



As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you liked it!

Hint for next week:
Embrace the Singer…..also: magic (lol, this is totally just for those of you who know what I am talking about)

Cough Excuse me, can I plz have a moment to self-pimp? Cough
I normally wouldn’t, but I am so excited to be writing and I have the most amazing betas EVER! It is a quick read, I only have 8 chapters posted so far.
Here is a summary:

Flaming Desire
Rose, Alice, and Bella work in the hospital ER. Edward, Jasper, and
Emmett are firefighters who are brought to the ER one night when the girls are
working. Sparks ignite. But will the flame remain when their love is tested?
AH OOC Canon pairings

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5342194/1/Flaming_Desire
Thank you to those who check it out ;)

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA

T.G.I.F.S.ff.F.*

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! It’s that time of the week again 

How did you like last week’s fic?

Here is this week’s rec: In the Land of Milk and Honey by jesus.is.magic http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5221612/1/In_the_Land_of_Milk_Honey

Here is her description: please don’t let this turn you away, lol
Over five years ago, straight-laced NYU student Bella, mysteriously conceived a child. Since then, she's built an amazing life for herself and her son and hasn't looked back since. But of course, it couldn't last. M for Dark Themes. AH OCC ExB


My description:
Well, honestly, I can’t add a whole bunch to this without giving it away severely. I will tell you this much, you guys know how much I lust love controlling, asshole Edward? This Edward definitely lives up to that. I really wish I could give you more to go on, but this is a VERY mysterious fic and I can’t give it away, lol.
*I also have to say that the grammar and misspellings and misuse of words is HORRENDOUS, but it is worth overlooking. Besides, she has a beta now who is going back and helping her fix it all (happy dance!)
Sorry I can’t give you more than this to go on, but usually you guys trust me, so plz just trust me, lol.

This week’s teaser:
I’m just going to post the prologue for you because it is kinda hot, lol.

He pressed himself firmly in to me, hard and smooth. I gasped loudly, sucking in a lung full of stingingly crisp night air and a guttural groan rumbled from deep in his chest. In the freezing temperature, I was no longer cold--and the old chill was replaced with a new one entirely. My body burned from the inside, strange flames licked every inch my skin, all generated from where our bodies were joined below. In this piercing pain, suddenly masochism made sense because the pain and pleasure created the most delicious emulsion that raced in my veins and quickened my pulse. I bit my lip in distraction, but it only intensified the rush. I trembled in anticipation of what came next, but his hard body had become rigid against mine and he stilled inside me.
"You...are innocent," he said confusedly in a hoarse voice, but it wasn't a question. He carefully shifted his weight onto an elbow, the tendons in his neck pulled tight with effort of his restraint. I felt a pang of guilt at my lie of omission, but as his eyes searched mine his hardened features quickly transformed into an expression of tenderness and reverence and I drowned in it.
In that moment, I knew if I ever had been innocent I didn't want to be again. Whatever he guilty of, whatever crime he'd committed, I wanted to be guilty of, too. Whatever stake he burned on, I'd burn for him. No cross, no burden could pull me away or convince me this was wrong. It seemed the most natural thing in the world to hurt for him and nothing in my entire life had ever felt better. I stroked my hand down the smooth hard expanse of his back, coaxing him, begging, urging him on.
"Just...don't stop," I managed in a raspy whisper as my spine arced and my body stretched, for him, into him. God, he was so beautiful in the backdrop of the navy sky, and the weight of his body on mine felt like the half that was missing all along had now found it's home. Underneath him I felt safe and whole and I willed him to continue with every fiber of my being.
His emerald eyes glittered, shaming the canvas of stars that framed him, seeming insignificant and lusterless by comparison. He ran his fingers down my cheek and brushed my lips with his thumb, so I tasted him. No air escaped between us, his exhale was my breath, our chests rising and falling heavily, in time with one another. It was only seconds but it felt like a lifetime while I waited for him to act or speak. He leaned down and gently pressed his forehead into my temple and I was certain the beat of his heart was the only thing keeping me alive.
"Would you blame me if I said I couldn't?" he breathed into my hair, sounding as desperate I felt, and I gently sucked the tip of his thumb. Relief washed through me and I shook my head minutely, shyly, but I understood completely.
I took his cold cheek in my hand and pulled his face to mine. "I could never..." I said with conviction, but my words were lost. It didn't matter though. I'd lose anything, give anything, and I told him this much with my eyes. His lips formed a mischievous smile when he withdrew his length from inside me. At the motion I involuntarily bit down on his thumb, drawing some blood, and my lids closed on there own accord.
"Don't," I whimpered, as his rough thumb slid across my lip coating it with his coppery flavor. We were blood for blood now. I clawed my fingers into his flesh, attempting to pull him back in to me, worried he'd changed his mind.
"Bella," he sang, and I needed to see him. "I have no intention of stopping," he confessed with no apology as he locked my gaze.
"This is going to hurt," he informed, neither of us knowing then the cataclysmic truth of his words.
He pushed so deeply inside me, I didn't think he'd ever find a way out and then all thoughts vanished.
Because in that moment, we were perfect.
~o~
No one ever warns you how fine the line is that separates love from madness. And once you're there, there's no way to differentiate the two. They are inextricably tied, synonyms, identical twins, one easily masquerading for the other, cruelly switching places when you desperately want the other. But if it's real, you accept that and welcome them both because in your heart you know the secret that nobody knows.
You know that it was worth it.



As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you liked it!

Hint for next week:
Accidental, out of the blue

Cough Excuse me, can I plz have a moment to self-pimp? Cough
I normally wouldn’t, but I am so excited to be writing and I have the most amazing betas EVER! It is a quick read, I only have 6 chapters posted so far.
Here is a summary:

Flaming Desire
Rose, Alice, and Bella work in the hospital ER. Edward, Jasper, and
Emmett are firefighters who are brought to the ER one night when the girls are
working. Sparks ignite. But will the flame remain when their love is tested?
AH OOC Canon pairings

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5342194/1/Flaming_Desire
Thank you to those who check it out ;)

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA

T.G.I.F.S.ff.F.*

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! T.G.I.F!!! I am so sorry for missing last week. I was not feeling well. I hope you forgives me! ;)

How did you like last week’s fic?

Here is this week’s rec: Scotch, Gin, and the New Girl by jandco and withthevampsofcourse http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4561934/1/Scotch_Gin_and_The_New_Girl


Here is their description:
Les Liaisons Dangereuses, je croix. We were Cruel Intentions. We are Gossip Girls. We do not care. At all." all-human

*cough*Vague much?*cough* lol

My description:
Bella moves to Forks to live with her dad. Her mom had a very bad name in Forks. (This Forks is a bunch of rich, spoiled brat hoity toity ppl). Rosalie meets Bella before she comes and makes a bit of a bet/dare that she will end up sleeping with Edward Cullen because no one can resist him. Bella takes the challenge planning to stay far away. Rosalie ALSO makes a bet with Edward that if he sleeps with Bella Swan he will get to have a threesome with Alice and Rose—something he has always wanted…Oh, I should also say Edward is a whore…and only hasn’t been with Alice and/or Rose basically. I don’t even really need to tell you what happens after this because 1.) You read fanfic and know that B/E always end up together and 2.) I am sure you have watched enough TV to know, LOL!!!!

This week’s teaser:
I am giving you this teaser because it is funny and it is so me! It’s not smutty, sorry, but there is plenty in the fic, so GO READ IT!!!
"Well, I don't shop for shit here. I buy my clothes when I see my father in L.A. or when we go to New York…but I figure the best we can do anywhere near here would be Seattle."
I had to laugh.
"What?" he asked.
"There's a Target in Port Angeles," I said, still laughing. I mean, it was obvious.
"Right. Edward Cullen doesn't go to Target."
"Bella Swan does."
"Not when she's with Edward Cullen."
"Then she'll call up Jasper Whitlock."
Edward abruptly pulled the car to the shoulder of the road and put the car in park before actually bothering to come to a complete stop.
"I want you to stop threatening me with my friends."
"Are you threatened?"
"I'm annoyed. So stop it."
"Take me to Target."
"Do they even sell clothes at Target?"
"You seriously have never been to Target?"
"You seriously buy clothes at Target?"
"Turn around. We need to get you educated."
"I'm not sure if I want to be."
"I'm listening to and now own an iPod Touch; you can slum it at Target for an hour…or six."
"Six?"
"People have a tendency to get lost in the wonderland that is Target. You'll see."
"Bella—"
"It's my birthday. Please?" I asked, shifting toward him and lowering my voice.
He sneered and put the car in drive then turned us around.
Fifteen minutes later, we walked through the doors of the Holy Land.
"Grab a cart," I said.
"A cart?"
"The big red basket on wheels?"
"I know what a cart is…I just never shopped for clothes with a fucking grocery cart."
"Get over yourself."
He grabbed the cart and we proceeded.
I led him to the clothing racks where he stiffly sneered and made a point of not touching anything.
"Whaddya think?" I asked, holding up a black and white striped tube top.
He used one finger to check out the tag.
"Polyester blend? You'll get a rash."
I rolled my eyes and tossed the shirt in the cart.
"You know, the girls at school wear, like, Chanel or some shit."
"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not like the girls at school."
"I've noticed," he said quietly under his breath.
"Good. I'm relieved the differences are glaringly obvious."
"Me too," Edward shrugged, but he proceeded to pick up the tube top and put it back on the rack.
I put it back in the cart.
Edward sighed and loosened his tie with two fingers, then leaned against the cart, creeping it slowly forward.
"Look, why don't we separate? You go explore unchartered territory and I'll pick out my own shit. We'll meet at checkout in an hour."
"I'm not going out there alone. I'll get lost in a sea of cheap khaki and red vests."
"Don't be a pussy. Go. Learn something new," I said, waving him off.
He was seriously distracting me.
How was a girl supposed to concentrate with sex in a tie at her side?
"If I'm not there in an hour, call my father, a priest and a lawyer," he said before abandoning the cart and stalking off miserably.
Ten minutes later he was back.
"Did you know the cheap plastic sunglasses are located conveniently across from the Pop Tart aisle?"
"How is that convenient?"
"It just is," he shrugged and tossed a box of Cinnamon Pop Tarts in the cart.
Then he was gone again.
Another ten minutes later he was back with a piano scarf hanging loosely around his neck.
"You'll get a rash," I said, mocking him.
"Shut up. This thing is fourteen bucks."
"So?"
"So I paid two hundred and seventy five for mine."
"And?"
"And…I dunno. I just thought it was interesting," he said, then he was gone again.
I smiled at his retreating form and noticed his hands weren't shoved in his pockets anymore, they were kind of swinging back and forth with each long stride…and I had to smile.
Edward Cullen was falling and slipping into my world—and he didn't even realize it.
I was at the checkout lanes at our designated time.
Edward was not.
I combed the aisles and eventually found him, with his own cart, staring at a colorful row of deodorants.
I donned a smug expression and wheeled my janky cart up to his.
He had taken the caps off of several deodorants.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Smelling this shit. I have yet to find a decent one."
"Uh, clearly you haven't tried Old Spice yet," I said, grabbing it.
I opened the top and held it under his nose.
"It's great. If you like cheap old drunk man."
"I think it's…sexy."
"You have a skewed definition of sexy."
"Perhaps," I said, but dropped the deodorant in his cart anyway.
"I have standards," he said, putting it back on the shelf.
I let him, because I was too busy rifling through his cart to be bothered to argue about deodorant.
Serial Mom and Reservoir Dogs on DVD.
A pack of Bic pens.
A new toothbrush.
Car air fresheners.
A copy of Rolling Stone.
A box of fruit Roll Ups.
And the piano scarf was still around his neck.
"You like Target," I said.
"I may enjoy the convenience of being able to find Fruit Roll Ups and DVD's in the same establishment, but I'd still rather be at Barney's. And you like your Touch."
"I may be a bit impressed with the amount of songs that thing can hold, and I may prefer it to a bulky Discman…but I'm not getting rid of the Discman."
Edward beamed brightly at me.
"What?"
"We're compromising," he said proudly.
"I suppose we are."
"Huh," he mused.
"What?"
"I've never done that."



As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you likey!

Hint for next week:
B-I-B-L-E

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA

T.G.I.F.S.ff.F! *

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! T.G.I.F!!!

How did you like last week’s fic?

Here is this week’s rec: Landscapes by Lambcullen, the author of Wreckage http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4980544/1/Landscapes

Here is Lambcullen’s description:
The Diary. An elite artists retreat, owned by the Cullen Foundation. Edward Cullen wants Bella Swan to attend, but is it for more than her art? AH/AU/ canon couples,eventually- there is a slight diversion.

My description:
Ok, sorry lamby, but your description would NOT have hooked me! Lol. It is too vague. However, the story…O.M.E. the story! Do you like Beautiful Bastard? Did you like Controlward (from The Blessing and the Curse)? Well, *this* Edward…is a mixture of both! Ah yes! The best of both worlds! And let me tell you, there is plenty, plenty, plenty of lemons! And they are hot! I normally don't like hot fruit, but I will make an exception! LOL! So yeah, Edward owns this artist retreat and he wants Bella to come there, we get that. What we don't get is that they are both incredibly sexually attracted to each other. Bella HATES Edward, but everything about him turns her on! LOL! It is so similar to The Office, but not in a way that you think it was copied from it. Totally different plotline, but the fact that they have random sex at inopportune times….yeah, that is very similar! I love it and I know you guys will, too!

This week’s teaser:
Sorry, no lemon for you this week! The story has PLENTY of smut, trust me! But, for your hardships, I will give you 2 teasers! BPOV is first.

The crunching of the tires on gravel startled me. We were here, my home for the next six months. It was huge, and looked like it had stepped right out of a classic English novel. It was all stained glass windows and turrets. The sweeping driveway ran around the mansion, and made way for the most amazing view I had ever seen. You could see for miles; a picturesque view of trees, hills and mountains. I completely understood why they had chosen this place; it was simply inspirational. Many artists enjoyed painting landscapes. I briefly considered giving it a try, but it was so far removed from my usual medium. Trees and fruit were a lot different than the human form. I adored drawing the contours of skin; the flow of hips and thighs, or the slope of a breast.

The door of the car opened, and I looked out.

Damn!

There, standing waiting was Mr. Jackass Cullen. I had thought he couldn’t look any better than when he was in his Armani suit, but this man could wear a pair of jeans like no other. His glasses were absent too, and I wondered if he was wearing contacts, or whether the glasses were merely an accessory. A very hot accessory. Images of him in those fuck hot glasses and nothing else flooded my brain.

Bollocks, Bella!

“Isabella.” He said simply, stretching out his hand to help me from the car. I didn’t take it. I wasn’t going to accept any more from the douche. I would win this war.

“Do you greet all the guests personally?” I enquired sweetly.

He looked a little sheepish, but it quickly disappeared, before he demanded, “Just get out of the damned car, Isabella.”

Whoa there, cowboy, and quit with the Isabella shit!

I wanted to be petulant, and stay where I was, but I knew if I didn’t move soon he would drag me, kicking and screaming from the vehicle. I did as he asked and climbed out, smoothing my cargos as I stood up.

“It’s beautiful, Mr. Cullen.”

My formality shocked him, and he shook his head stating, “Edward, please.”

I nodded, but didn’t agree and took a lung full of the mountain air. It was cleansing, but it didn’t ease my anger. Whenever I saw this man, my blood would start to boil. His mere presence irritated me. It always had to be his way; it was as though there was no other option.

I bet mommy wuvved her pwecious ickle Eddie...

The ass had a smug smile plastered across his face, as though he was mentally chalking up round two.

Oh hell no!

I bit my lip to stop the angry retort from slipping out. I had to stay here and annoying Cullen was not the way to go. It was either here or Forks, and I wasn’t going to entertain the idea of going back. Chief Swan would be on my back all the time, telling me to stop goofing around with paint and pencils, and just get a real job.

Yeah, Charlie, a real job comes with a nice shiny badge, right?

He cocked his head, “Shall I show you around? Please leave the bags with the driver. He will make sure they get to your room.”


“Does he do that for everyone?” I asked tartly.

He turned, ignoring my question, and started to walk off. It gave me the most delicious view of his jean clad ass. I groaned. It was only when his footsteps faltered, that I realized I had done it out loud. I blushed, but he didn’t turn around, and I continued to peruse his body.

The dark jeans hung low on his hips and fitted snugly over the contours of his buttocks. His white t-shirt stretched across his broad shoulders, and tapered into a small waist. I licked my lips, he would look divine naked and posing for me.

With the black glasses!

Reel it in Bella!

I followed him across the drive and into the building. My mouth fell open at the large ornately carved staircase in front of us. The whole place really was like Netherfield in Pride and Prejudice. I was stumped for words, and that never happened. Since Asshat Cullen had walked into my life, my vocabulary had left through the same door.

He looked over his shoulder, lifting a single eyebrow.

Fuck, that’s hot! Do it again!

“Isabella, are you coming, or are you going to continue gawking?”

Oh, he was a smug bastard. I wasn’t gawking...much.

Here is an EPOV because we all just have to have an EPOV ;) (btw, the person he is referring to is Alice..he hates her at this point.) I was going to commit a fucking murder. What the hell did Maleficent think she was doing getting Isabella involved in her shit? I had warned her so many times. Fuck! I took her beloved Porsche from her, but she still continued to sully The Diary’s reputation. I wasn’t having it anymore, Aro couldn’t protect her forever.

I stalked forward, grabbing the Destroyer’s arm roughly, but before I could do anything Isabella stunned me with her words.

“It’s mine. I brought it here, not Alice. You going to punish me, Eddie?”

Oh, if only you knew what I wanted to do to you!

I shook my head, trying to compose myself. I hated the name Eddie, but every time she goaded me with it, my cock sprang to life. It obviously knew its name.

Down boy!

Isabella looked at me all wide eyed and innocent. She was toying with me, just like she had on the bed this morning. I was trying to be nice to her, which granted I didn’t do often, but she had dowsed me with water. NiceWard had flipped her the bird and would not be returning anytime soon.


I removed my hand from the Shrew and gripped Isabella’s wrist instead.

“Get your hands off me!” she demanded.

I smirked. There was no way in hell she was taking the fall for this shit. I dragged her from the room, ignoring the shrill sounds coming from Doom, as I swatted her off like a fly. I heard a thud, and turned. The witch was on her ass on the floor.

Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead!

“Get. Off. Me.”

I glanced back at Isabella who was still yelling and pulling at her arm. Her beautiful hair was flying around her face, and her cheeks were flushed. She fucking floored me every time I looked at her. I knew I was crossing a line, but really didn’t care. I had a stake in this woman, and I wasn’t letting some loser ruin it; ruin her.

I tugged her into the hall and slammed her against the wall, grasping both wrists above her head. She was laid out for me like an offering from the Gods, and I suppressed a moan. Her chest was heaving from the exertion, her breasts rising closer to my mouth with every breath. I licked my lips. She began wriggling her hips in an attempt to free herself, but with each movement she ground herself against my thigh.

Fuck!

Her baggy sweat top was raised, exposing her smooth stomach, and I had to gather every ounce of strength I had. I wanted to touch her, caress her little belly button and sink my tongue deep into it.

“Keep still!” I growled at her, as I brought my face close to hers. She smelled of acrylic paint and turpentine. How the hell did she smell like that when she hadn’t lifted a paint brush today? The thing that worried me most was that it was turning me on. Well, that and her constant writhing and snarling.

“I’m serious scumbag, get off me!”

Her cheeks were getting darker, as her anger increased and her big brown eyes burning with fire. My body went on lock down, only concentrating on this woman before me. I lowered my head to her ear and spoke menacingly.

“If you stay still I will let go. Move and I keep you like this. Believe me Isabella, I’m willing to wait.”

I felt her shiver at my words, and my jeans were becoming tight and uncomfortable. I needed to let go, but I had to make her see sense; hanging with the Harpy was not an option for her.
Her smell was intoxicating, and I sniffed the crook of her neck, drinking her in.
Damn Cullen! Get a grip!


Isabella’s body froze, but her breathing increased. I wanted her. It was that simple. I wanted her like this; grinding, snarling and ready to rip me to pieces. She was fucking amazing.
I had complete control of everything, minus the Destroyer, in my life; however, that control dissolved very quickly around Isabella. She was like a siren calling to me. Whenever I was around her I felt a need to touch her; a need to posses her.

I could feel it now, yelling at me to take her, make her mine. Before my head had a chance to gain any kind of composure my mouth opened, and my tongue touched the base of her neck. I groaned at her taste, all cinnamon and sex, and began licking slowly up to her ear. I could smell her unique scent, as I climbed up her flesh with my tongue. I felt like a dog marking his territory, but she was mine. I knew it, and I wanted to make sure she did too.

My cock was painfully hard now, and it only made it worse when Isabella groaned. She was enjoying this battle of wills as much as I was. Clearly, I wasn’t the only masochist in this relationship.

Relationship?

She pushed her hips against my thigh. I bit down on my lip, because the call to mark her was strong. I tasted blood, as my teeth bit into the flesh of my lips. I wanted to take her right here in the hall. I moved her wrists into my one hand, the other now free to roam her delicious body.
I brought it to the soft skin of her exposed stomach, slowly moving it up the curve of her body. As I groaned at the velvety feel, she sighed and rubbed her hips against me. My brunette wanted more.

“Edward!” A familiar voice boomed, breaking us from our horny little hell. I pulled away, glaring at the intruder, but never letting go of Isabella’s wrists. We were not finished.

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you likey!

Hint for next week: 6 word title. Alcohol. Not old.

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA

T.G.I.F.S.ff.F*

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! T.G.I.F!!!

How did you like last week’s fic?

Here is this week’s rec: Constant in the Darkness by my very dear friend Camoozle! http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5107950/1/A_Constant_in_the_Darkness

Here is Camoozle’s description:
Bella, suffering from an eating disorder, returns to Forks to care for her estranged father. She seeks comfort in Edward, an aspiring chef, who is having difficulty dealing with his own demons. AH, AU, OOC, B/E
♥One who hates to eat falling for one who loves to cook, whodda thunk it?♥

My description:
There isn't much to say that Cam hasn't said except that both of them think they are no good for the other. Edward's father had schizophrenia and he is sure he will follow in his footsteps, so he is afraid to fall for Bella, but that isn't in his control, just like in all B/E fics, LOL!! Alice is a Tarot reader slash astrologist, and I just luv her! She has a secret relationship with Jasper.

This week’s teaser:
As much as I luv to tease you guys with smut, this time I won't…..or maybe I will give you two teasers and the second can be semi-smut, lol, cause these are teenagers and we aren't supposed to want teenagers to have sex, right? RIGHT? RIGHT? *cough*
Moving right along:
The small upstairs window was glowing and I wondered if she was in that room. What was she doing? What had she eaten for dinner? What color bedspread did she have? I started thinking of nonchalant ways I could casually explain my presence here. I could say I was visiting Charlie, but it was past eleven now. I would have to come earlier next time.

Next time? Fuck Edward, I thought you were going to stay away!

I thought about faking a cramp or something and then mentally punched myself in the dick for being such a girl. I guess I’d have to settle on sick pervert and scale the tree in her front yard. I ignored the absurdity of deciding that being a sick pervert was better than being a girl because I just had to see her, to somehow make sure she was okay.

I glanced around to see if anyone would be able to identify me in a line up, but her street was remarkably silent and still. I quickly scaled the large spruce in the front yard. The boughs softly touched the overhang of the roof and I lithely glided along one of the branches. I stepped softly from the limb to the roof, hoping like hell this was her room, and crouched, thankful I had worn my black sweats and hooded sweatshirt. While somewhat concealed, I probably looked like a pervy, peeping Tom stalker creep. This was so going to bite me in the ass.

I slowly crept to the window and peeked inside. It was a small room with little furniture, and I noticed the lamp on the nightstand was still lit. A small suitcase was thrown open on the floor in the corner next to a wooden rocking chair, clothing haphazardly tossed astray. Looking around I saw a pile of books, paperbacks as wells as notebooks, a backpack, a laptop and a large tote. My eyes scanned involuntarily to the small, full-sized bed.

And there she was. She lay slightly on her side, her legs tangled in cotton sheets, a purple comforter kicked to the floor. Her earphones were still in her ears and I yearned to go see what she was listening to. Her wet hair was swirling out around her, sticking to her face, neck and shoulders in loops and curves. It seemed an endless flow of darkness sharply contrasted with her translucent skin. Her berry lips were slightly parted I noticed, and her white teeth were peeking from beneath their fullness. The bend of her tiny wrist was curled to her face with the back of her hand resting against her cheek, her other arm raised over her head. My eyes traveled the length of her small body. She looked so fragile, so breakable, a tiny china doll. Utterly beautiful.

Her tantalizing neck flowed rather nicely into an expanse of remarkable shoulder blades and collarbones, her milky skin stretched, the indentations perfect for delicate kisses. She was wearing a blue tank top under an old flannel shirt and my eyes lingered on her dainty breasts, her chest heaving as her breath moved in a deep fluid cadence. I could practically count her ribs through the thin material as I ran my eyes just above the low waistband of her sweatpants, her prominent hipbones and the hollow of her lower stomach exposed. I hissed at the sight of that skin. I burned for her. I burned for her and felt disgusted with myself, disgusted for intruding on her like this and then envisioning her like that, imagining myself entering her room, crawling into her bed, my fingers folding around her exposed hips, pulling them into mine.

I am so fucking sick. I’m definitely going to hell for this.

Bella started to move, turned her head a bit and rolled onto her back completely. Her lips were moving now and it looked like she was saying something. Shit, she’s a sleep talker! I had to know what she was dreaming about. It was so wrong and intrusive but I couldn’t stop myself from trying to open that window. I was now not only a sick, pervy, peeping Tom stalker creep; I was breaking and entering as well. As long as I’m going to hell…

I pushed the window open and it creaked slightly. I stopped, waiting for any indication that she’d heard, but she was still. I continued to push the window up all the way, stopping about 5 times, scared shitless she was going to wake up. I climbed down and sat on the window sill.

This is so wrong, so wrong! My inner monologue was screaming at me but I didn’t care, because Bella was talking again.

She was uttering small bits of rambling information: green, drowning, can’t breathe, honey, delicious, and then I heard it, clearly and without a doubt…

“Edward, stay.”

In that moment I became hers. Always. I couldn’t even fathom leaving that room let alone forcing myself to stay away from her any longer. She had just uttered my fucking name in her sleep. She told me to stay and I would stay. I would do whatever the hell she wanted me to. I wanted her, wanted her more than I wanted to believe that I could be normal, wanted her more than I wished I wasn’t a ticking bomb. Actually, in that moment, I didn’t give a shit about the bomb. I just wanted to reach out and brush her hair from her face and taste her berry lips. I wanted to hold her hand and bring her flowers. I wanted to cook for her, see her enjoy something I created, to nourish and comfort her.

It seemed so ridiculously barbaric, but in that moment I wanted to claim her. Her, she, mine! Oh my God, I am such an asshole.

Okay, I needed to get it together. I obviously could never let Bella find out about any of this, the peeping or the claiming, but I couldn’t stay away from her either. I needed a plan.

I climbed back out of her window, closing it as silently as possible and jumped from the roof. I practically hit the ground running. I had a long 5 miles ahead of me and I had to figure out how I was going to get Bella Swan to fall in love with me.

Since I am a sucker, here is your smut teaser *grin*
“Edward, I’ve never..” She took a deep breath. “I’m still a… you know, v-word.”

“What, virgin?” She nodded, ashamed.

“Hey, well, that’s just one more thing we have in common,” I said, wanting to ease her discomfort.

Bella looked up and smiled a big-ass goofy grin. “Well, that’s unexpected,” she said.

I just shrugged my shoulders and turned into her. “See, we’re the same. Binary stars and shit, formed from the same elements.”

Bella nodded, her breathing becoming whispered on my face as I pulled her lips to mine, forcing every plane of her tiny being to make contact with mine. I tasted her tongue, the fleshy muscle working in synchronization with mine, just fucking licking and tasting and pulsing right to my dick. Holy fuck, this girl could kiss.

I felt her hands move to my chest, her lips pulling away from mine and she began peppering kisses down my neck to my collarbone, her hands clutching the material and pulling it away, continuing to kiss and lick beneath where the sweatshirt had been.

It felt so fucking good, her mouth on my skin, lingering in the spark that our touching elicited. I wanted to return the favor, make her feel what I was feeling, so I brought her mouth to mine again. More forcefully this time, I plunged my tongue into her mouth, intertwining and swirling. I let my hands wander to her hips and I pulled her on top of me, rolling onto my back, and I was sure by her gasp that she could feel my very obvious hard-on through the material of my jeans.

This was a sight to see, the wide sky spanning the distance in various gradients of dark, littered with millions of stars, only interrupted by a heart-shaped face framed by wild and sprawling tendrils. And then there were her eyes, lustful, her lids laying heavy across her pupils. She licked her lips again and I reached up to pull her to me, kissing her neck and along her jaw, little nibbles causing her to rock on my dick as she straddled my lap.

My hands wandered her sides, rubbing across her stomach just below her breasts. I wanted to touch her everywhere but didn’t know what would be appropriate a for late night, fucking cold, put you on the spot make out session. I just kept licking, kissing her neck, her ear, her lips and rubbing the material of her tank top into that poor spot directly under her breasts.

Our breathing heavy now, I heard her say, “Just fucking do it Edward,” causing me to pause in my adornment of affection.

“What did you say?” I asked her. I had to be mistaken.

“I said just do it. You can feel me up, it’s okay. I know you want to, your hands have been like right there for, like, the last twenty minutes. It’s fucking torture!” She was matter of fact and to the point. She wanted me to grope the shit out of her.

I’m not one to complain, so I dove back into this girl, my lips on her neck again, nipping at her jaw, my hand slowly traveling up her side to palm her breast. She wasn’t wearing a bra again and the material of her thin tank top allowed me to feel her already hard nipple precisely. At this contact she rocked again, forcing her weight against my dick and causing the most painfully splendid friction. I moaned into her neck and found her lips once again. I sucked her mouth into mine, enveloping her lips in a wave of heat and electricity, and I slid my fingers into the neckline of her tank. I pulled the neckline down to expose her breasts and leaned back to look at her in this position.

Fucking amazing, the vision of this girl, straddling my lap, her hands clutching and groping the troublesome sweatshirt I was wearing, her full lips swollen with lust and her hair a wicked tangle of waves just flying out every which way, some falling against the milky white skin of her shoulders and halfway hiding the small rosy nipples and the flesh of her dainty breasts. I brushed the hair back allowing my fingers to graze the buds before grasping both of her breasts forcefully, causing her head to fall slightly back and to the side in pleasure.

She let out a throaty moan and I had to have more. The pressure was building in my dick and I wanted her to get me off, but I didn’t think it polite to just come right out and ask, so I focused on her instead. I continued to thrust my hand across her chest, rolling her nipple between my fingers and gently tugging on the hardened piece of flesh. I licked her neck and ear lobe and she moved with more ferocity now, rocking her hips back and forth, rubbing her pussy against my hard dick, which was just fucking pulsating now, desperate in the pursuit of that cosmic climax. I let my hands grasp her hips tightly, offering my assistance in providing that friction, and she wrapped her arms around my neck, snaking her hands into my hair and grasping the strands tightly, breathing heavily into my mouth.

Fuck, I wanted to see her come so bad. Just then Bella pulled my face into her chest and I licked her nipple, sending her head rolling back and letting a low curse slip from her lips. She pressed my face harder into her chest and I sucked the flesh into my mouth, flicking with my tongue, causing her hips to increase in speed. And then, as she pulled my head back to stick her tongue in my mouth, I fucking came in my pants, fucking white lights and spots and dizziness. I probably looked like a complete moron, but fuck, like hell if I was going to try to hold back from something like that.

I pulled her down onto my lap hard, just grinding into her as my dick twitched with bliss. And in that moment, she must have had her own white lights and spots and dizziness because she convulsed, arching her back and clutching the back of my neck, her nails digging into the skin. It was so fucking amazing I wanted to cry. But because I had already cried once today in front of this girl I restrained, instead placing tiny kisses all over Bella’s shoulders and neck as she came down from her orgasm induced high. I readjusted her tank top and looked at her liquid eyes. She was beaming something fierce, just happy as fucking sin. I loved that I had made her feel this way, that I could offer somebody something more than pain or resistance. I kissed the tip of her nose and she shifted off of my lap, curling into my side, her little face burrowing into my chest. Bella Swan was my elemental match, formed in the same region of space, and I was intent on pulling her into my orbit indefinitely.
♦Ah, the wonderful dry-humping! Hey, they are teenagers and VIRGINS, so dry-humping is perfect. I absolutely love reading about a guy blowing a load in his pants, I don't know why, but I love it!! LOL!

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you likey!

Hint for next week:
One word title. Has to do with art.

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA

T.G.I.F.S.ff.F!*

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! T.G.I.F!!!

How did you like last week’s fic?

Here is this week’s rec: Learning to Say No by ShilohPR http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4795297/1/Learning_to_Say_No

Here is ShilohPR’s description:

Bella's attempts to remain uninvolved in the social dramas of FHS are foiled the minute Lauren Mallory whispers, "Apparently Edward Cullen has a bit of a thing for you . . ." AU-All human, canon pairings, eventual lemony goodness

♥♥

My description:

Bella refuses to believe that Edward Cullen has a "thing" for her. She doesn't think it is possible. She only gets up the nerve to talk to him when she has been drinking and he is pretty much the same way. They both want each other but don't believe the other wants them. There is a lot of funny interactions between the two of them ;)

This week’s teaser:

Shitno, I couldn’t kiss her. Why couldn’t I kiss her? I should kiss her. I wanted to kiss her. But then suddenly the rest of our group caught up to us – what had taken them so long? Not that I cared, but it at least gave me the willpower to twist my face into her hair and break the spell of that dangerous moment. My mind was racing, my brain spinning a dozen different places at once, but each one ricocheting back to the throbbing in my pants.

She turned her face to Alice to sing, both girls laughing and yelling the lyrics. I smiled and took another swig of my beer, noticing she had emptied her bottle entirely. The girl clearly hadn’t learned the finer art of nursing a drink and just knocked back whatever was in her hand. I laughed at her drunken passion for the music, not being able to pick out her voice but unable to look away from the drunk flush that trailed across her cheeks and down her neck and disappeared under the low neckline of her shirt. I took another risk and wrapped my arm more tightly around her waist, leaning in to take a deep breath of the scent buried between her neck and hair. Fucking intoxicating. The heat exuding from her skin spanned across my face, and without even realizing it my lips pressed to the muscle at the base of her neck, lingering as she accepted this without complaint. She continued to sing to Alice, then tilted her head to the side to give me more access. I felt my breath quicken against the proffered expanse of skin, electricity leaping from my chin to her collarbone. Having her pressed against me with the music throbbing around us was overwhelming, painful, intoxicating-

Shitfuckingshit. I felt the muscles in my abdomen suddenly constrict and my fingers dug sharply into her hipbone as I pressed my face tightly into her neck. The pulsing pain that I had been trying so hard to suppress suddenly erupted, sparks shooting though my body and out through my fingers as white lights exploded on the backs of my eyelids. I grunted and then panted as my entire body twitched several times, my knees nearly buckling as my brain stopped all processes. In fact, ironically, I think Bella was all the kept me standing – talk about a role reversal.

The music had faded out as the blood rushed in my ears and I took in several shaky breaths, Bella’s scent seeping into every cell of my body as I tried to find stability. My eyes were squeezed shut, afraid to meet any faces that had noticed what just happened. It was obvious. Surely anyone within three feet had witnessed the entire thing, and I wasn’t sure why Bella hadn’t already shoved me away in disgust with a shriek.

I felt fingers in my hair and my eyes popped open. Bella’s hand had reached up and now she ran her fingers absently through my hair, her attention still turned to Alice as she sang into her beer bottle like a microphone. Completely oblivious. How had she not noticed . . . I mean, I fucking blew a load with her pressed against me and she seemed completely unaware. Thank god but still! Was she just completely unaware of everything around her?

Slowly my feet were returning to the ground, and seeing as I had already gotten away with it before, I kissed her neck again, running my thumb along her hip bone through the thin material of her shirt. James cleared his throat beside me but what the fuck did I care? I was simultaneously exhausted and elated. The music and the crowd were gone and all I could concentrate on was the heat from Bella’s neck as it washed over my flushed and sweaty face. This was heaven. This was what I wanted. I was never going to be able to move. I was going to stand like this as long as she let me.

James cleared his throat again and elbowed me, then leaned in and hissed, “Edward, man, get the fuck off her.” I stiffened and scowled. “You’re fucking drunk as hell.”

“James—“

“Not to mention you just jizzed all over her backside.” I quickly pulled away and looked down at her ass as though I actually expected there to be evidence of my mishap, but of course there wasn’t. Surprisingly, James didn’t laugh. He just continued in a low voice, “Go fucking clean yourself off and sober up. You’re making a drunk fucking ass of yourself.”

How. Fucking. Embarrassing. For James to be the one to point out what a dick I was. I was suddenly too embarrassed to reply. I was gone before he could say anything further.

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you likey!

Hint for next week:

Five word title. Chef. Vomit.

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA

T.G.I.F.S.ff.F! *

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! T.G.I.F!!!

How did you like last week’s fic?

Here is this week’s rec: Bonne Foi by Amethyst Jackson
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4639011/1/

Here is Amethyst Jackson’s description:
AU. Edward Masen was changed in 1918 and abandoned by his sire. He feeds on human blood, unaware of any other way…until he stumbles across college freshman Bella Swan for a night that will change everything.

♥VAMPIRE SMUT ALERT! VAMPIRE SMUT ALERT!♥

My description:
I will admit something upfront. I loved Twilight. I was obsessed with Twilight. I started reading fanfiction and at first didn't want anything to do with an Edward that wasn't a vampire. Somehow I conformed and came over to the dark side (hey, they have cookies over here!!). Then I got to the point where I didn't want to read vampire stories…at all. I will humbly admit that it is because the sex issue isn't as "freeing"…heck, if they are in character to SM's books, there is NO sex, lol. That being said, a certain, also smutty, friend told me to try Bonne Foi anyway and I wouldn't be disappointed…..I wasn't!! The first freaking chapter has smut…amazing, earth shattering, make a vampire's heart beat again smut!!! It is delish! I really don't have anything else to add to AJ's description other than that…because she is spot on!

This week’s teaser: This is after Edward's *encounter* with Bella ;)

I roamed the streets around Pioneer Square Park, where several nightclubs were located. The sounds of thumping music and loud, inebriated thoughts were almost more than I could bear, but I focused on scent, searching for something palatable. I was a picky eater, at best. After nearly 88 years, not just any blood would do.
It was an hour or two before people started trickling steadily out of the clubs, and even longer before anything appetizing came along. I hung back in the shadows, watching them pass by, waiting for a sweet scent to tickle my nose.
The first that was remotely tempting in flavor was a leggy blonde, but her thoughts were so obnoxiously stupid that I passed her over. But then the perfect candidate came in the form of a tall brunette, maybe 5’9”. Her dark hair fell in waves down her back, and her deep red dress clung to her body, showing off full breasts and hips. Yes, she would do nicely.
I stepped slightly forward into the light and caught her eye, flashing a careful smile. The girl blushed but changed her course in my direction.
Really? He’s looking at me? God, he’s gorgeous.
Her mental voice wasn’t too bad. I could probably ignore it. She reached my side, smiling coyly.
“Hi,” she said, “I’m Andrea.”
“Edward,” I answered as pleasantly as I could, already bored with the process of wooing her. “What are you doing out all alone?”
She shrugged. “Looking for some company.” Looking for someone like you. “What about you?”
“The same.” She sidled in closer. “Maybe we could help each other.”
Ready to put an end to the flirtation – it was leaving a bad taste in my mouth – I pulled her into the alleyway I had positioned myself near. I met no resistance. In fact, she pressed herself into me and smashed her lips into mine. The scents of blood and alcohol assaulted me, but after Bella’s blood, it was easy to cope with. I steered her around, pressing her into the brick wall. She moaned.
God, he’s good.
My hands roamed, seeking gratification. She was soft and warm, to be sure, but something wasn’t right…she didn’t fit in my hands quite like I would have wanted.
I hope what they say about big hands is true.
Well, that was irritating. Maybe the thoughts would stop when I was fucking her. Growling, I pushed up her skirt.
Shit, what panties am I wearing? Oh, right, the black ones. Perfect. Maybe I can get more than one night out of this…if I can just get him to take me back to his place…
Damnit. I couldn’t even get hard with her thoughts rolling around. Frustrated, I decided it was time to end this. I moved my lips to her neck.
I hope he doesn’t leave a mark.
I opened my mouth to bite, letting the scent of her jugular wash over me. The venom flowed freely, I pressed my teeth to her skin…
And Bella’s face flashed before my eyes, not as I remembered it, but frozen in lifeless horror.
Shocked, I sprung away from the girl.
“What’s your deal?” she asked, offended.
I shook my head. “I don’t know,” I said before I turned and walked away. She called after me, but I ignored her.

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you likey!

Hint for next week:

It's something we do as babies but then need to do again when we hit puberty. *sorry, anything more than that will totally give it away and I know this is so incredibly vague!

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA

T.G.I.F.S.ff.F! *

Hello fellow Twitards and smutaholics! T.G.I.F!!!

How did you like last week’s fic? Did you feel like being controlled after reading it? *grin*

Here is this week’s rec: Mr. Horrible by Algonquinrt
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4953962/1/Mr_Horrible

Here is Algonquinrt’s description:

They meet at a gallery, from two different worlds. Watch as they learn each other's language and culture... oh, who am I kidding here? They meet. They are opposites. They attract. Rated M for serious potty mouth and scenes of the citrus variety. AH/AU

♥This is one of my favorite Bella stories! She reminds me so much of Juno!♥

My description:

Edward is a spoiled rich kid. Bella is from “the other side of the tracks”. They meet and instantly are intrigued by the other. Bella’s best friend is a gay, drag queen, James (Jamie). His brother, Emmett (Mitt-Mitt) is her other bff. Edward (Bella names him Rich Kid) isn’t used to her quirky personality, but he is totally mesmerized by everything about her. From her “trailer park” cooking, to her crazy attire and room décor. And her language….not only is it EXTREMELY foul-mouthed, but you literally need a reference guide to the things she says! And that can be found here:

http://algonquinrt.livejournal.com/1141.html

Also, the urban dictionary helps as well:

http://www.urbandictionary.com

Bella read and write fanfiction! She is a woman after our own hearts! Get this….she learns everything she knows about sex from fanfiction!! YES! How awesome is that?? So, this is by far **THE FUNNIEST** story I have read, and I have read a freaking lot! My teaser will probably make you spit out anything in your mouth so KEEP YOUR MOUTH EMPTY! Yes, it is *THAT* funny! Oh yeah, you might understand better if you know that Edward calls Bella Baby Swan.

This week’s teaser: A sexual encounter between Baby Swan and Rich Kid. (This is freaking hilarious!)

I wake up from one of the most erotic dreams I can remember having—and that includes those embarrassing teen years—only to find I wasn't dreaming at all. Bella has woken me... sweet baby Jesus... by taking me in her mouth. I have absolutely no idea what might have prompted this, but a quick look over at the clock shows me that it's almost half-past three in the morning and I'm unable to form a coherent thought.

Her hair is loose, and I feel it brushing against my thighs as she moves her head, her tongue curling along the underside of my cock as she moves. I try to wrap my head around what I'm waking up to, but my first reaction is to wonder where the ever-loving fuck a girl who had only ever kissed her gay best friend learned how to give head. If she hasn't learned anywhere else, Baby Swan is a natural.

I'm trying to remember that this is Bella, and that days ago the girl was a goddamned virgin, but my god, the feeling of her warm, wet mouth on me...

I finally gather enough control to clutch at her shoulders to pull her off when... oh fuck... she adds one hand to her mouth, squeezing as she strokes, following her mouth. The other hand is... shit... I can't even think about her other hand as she fucking caresses my balls and...

I'm trying to pull her off me... really, I am, but she doesn't stop, and then she runs her tongue along the frenum and...

“Ahhh... Bella... you have to... shit... Bella... I'm going to...”

Fuck. She doesn't pull off me in time.

What she does do is gag and spit my spunk all over the sheets, gasping for air.

“Edward... what the fuck is that?” she's screaming as she runs to the bathroom.

I'm holding my face in my hands trying not to laugh my ass off as she returns, furiously scrubbing at her tongue with a washcloth.

“Baby Swan, seriously. I am so sorry. You just wouldn't... move. But shit, that was hot.”

“Edward, seriously. Is it always like that?”

“What do you mean, 'is it always like that?' I'm assuming you know the mechanics of a male orgasm...”

“But... but... everything I read says that the spunkcipient just swallows it like it's no big deal. That was like nasty rancid tapioca that never set up right...”

Now it's me running for the bathroom because I am absolutely about to piss myself at her reaction. I don't know what the hell she's read about fellatio, but it sounds like porn. And even then they don't always swallow. Who's been feeding her this line of shit?

When I return, she's relatively calmer, although she's yanked the sheets off the bed and is digging in my linen closet for fresh ones. I step behind her, moving her hair over one shoulder as I kiss her neck.

“Did I remember to thank you for that, Baby Swan? It was... 'phenomenal' is the only word that comes to mind.”

She turns and looks at me apologetically.

“I'm sorry I reacted like that, Edward. Really, I am. It just... wasn't at all what I expected.”

The poor girl looks like she just discovered Santa, the fucking Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny aren't real on the same day. “What did you expect?”

“Well, everything I've read said it tasted like fucking candy and shit and I guess I'm an idiot because I thought I'd sort of be all sexy and drink it down like lemonade. I'm sorry, really, Edward. I'm a tool. Next time, I know what to expect.”

As always, let me know if you have read it and agree or disagree. Let me know if you haven’t read it and plan to thanks to my rec or if you read if AFTER I rec’d it and you likey!

Hint for next week:
Two words. French title.

Have a fantabulously smutty week!

-RSA